Standing on the fringe.
That's what it felt like to me.
Like I was just a smidge outside of His perfect will, or calling, or whatever you call it.
All I could think about was that I was so close. Yet, all His Spirit kept whispering to my heart was: you are so much closer than you think.
I was there. In His presence. In the glory. As in, IN. I was, and am, that close.
That I've been or might be forgotten is what I've feared, though I hadn't actually labeled the fear as such. Anxiety would sweep me up in a whirlwind to hurry up and make visions happen because I might miss out. It'd be my fault, or my doing, or something that I'd done or didn't do that would cause me to miss out on something my heart truly desires.
No matter whether you're ready, just choose.
Just do it.
Do it now.
Hurry! You might miss out.
These were my steady mantras. Manifestos for me, or something like that.
Fear-driven. That was me.
Driven. Intensely driven.
I'd call it passion. But really, it was fear that causes my anxious way of living.
I've lived an angry life for a very long time. My anxiousness comes out in anger. I have a tendency to be irritated and annoyed and downright angry at everyone and everything, and mostly myself.
So close, but not enough.
That's what I've feared.
Standing on the fringe.
: : :
I think it sounds so crazy.
Isn't He always with us?
Isn't He always there?
Isn't it He who ordains all things?
Truth tells me this, yet my tendency is to ramble and rush and react. When really, I can rest and rely and relate.
I'm not crazy, as in totally not someone who belongs. I do belong. I am good enough to be a part of this world.
Muscle memory develops in time. My muscles are learning how to respond to the truth that I know and not just react to truth out of fear that says I must, or should or need.
All muscles need rest in order to grow. My heart needs conditioning as much as it needs rest. This is the discipline God is teaching me.
He wants me to rest, as I am.
I believe the heart of C'est La Vie: The Magazine (or whatever it might really become) is a community that will unleash and free people to live their life, as it is. This community will do this by bolstering one another to know we are not alone.
I can rest that what I've done in defining the mission and articulating the vision for this dream is enough for the rest to be.
What I've done is enough for me to rest and to see: how it develops . . . how He brings it together . . . how He grows me and it and all of us in the process.
I can rest that I am good enough (as I am) for Him to continue to develop this and me and us.
I can trust Him.
I can rest.
This is what is requested of me now: to rest and not rush.
I understand even more now that this, right now -- this choosing to rest and accept me, as I am -- is my worship.
My choosing to submit to God and trust that as I am is enough . . . that I am a part of glory that already is and already will be . . . I'm that close . . . is my real and raw worship.
Linking up with Lisa-Jo
(even though five minutes took 15 today)